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How to make an INTJ Want You
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Joel L
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Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 54
Location: Montreal, Canada

PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2007 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Many wise words in this thread.

Speaking as an INTJ, I'd be surprised if he was spending time with you just because of physical attraction. And the fact that he's getting intimate is a large indication that he likes you.

Be yourself, and definitely do not do anything you're uncomfortable with. Communication is always appreciated, as long as it's honest and open. He won't stick around long if he doesn't want to be with you.

Who initiates the meetings between you two?

nightengale wrote:
That's what I hate about getting into relationships. The other person doesn't believe they can be COMPLETELY honest with me. Being blunt and just saying how you feel, even if you think it might hurt them, is best.
It's best for you and I and the other INTJs because we like that kind of communication. Many people really don't appreciate blunt honesty, and so are not going to think that is what their (INTJ) mate wants to hear.

The concept of tact stems from this. Silly tact. Rolling Eyes Razz
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Darvick
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Joined: 11 Apr 2006
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Location: B.C. Canada

PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2007 8:11 am    Post subject: hmmm... Reply with quote

I am an INTJ and I have found myself attracted, from a distance, to INTP females when I was younger. I found them alluring, sexy, and interesting but when I actually started communicating with them I ran into some major turn-offs:

1. Self-doubt - This smells of rotten cheese - if you have this moldy smelly habit I suggest you get rid of it now... You seem to hold this guy's opinion of you pretty highly - so use your logic - if he is with you then your good enough for him - end of self doubt - the proof is in the pudding!!! If your worried about sex - make the first move - I know that despite all my self-confidence in other areas of life - I never made the first move in a relationship... Although, I did strategically make myself available for having the first move made on me - sometimes obviously so - lol...

2. Goals / Direction - INTP's seem so wishy-washy about everything - and they seem down-right depressed when goals are mentioned - I know that when I see myself in the future - I like to plan ahead - it is difficult when the image I have of my partner is of her still being wishy-washy in ten years! At least have an answer to this future question - but don't lie - say something like - currently, I am planning to do blah, blah, blah - at least then you can be included in his future fantasy even if your going to change your mind again in ten minutes - at least he gets to enjoy making all his plans again after you've changed your mind... Smile

3. Focus - The J vs. P thing - I am not sure how badly you guys differ on this one but I found that the intellectual 'discussions' I had with J friends were very different than the intellectual 'conversations' I had with P friends... INTP's don't seem to be able to hold a topic for long. This can give the impression that you are not serious about the topic - just skimming and not getting deep into the topic. Maybe, try holding a topic longer or at least fringing the same topic with related topics. Have you tried explaining the personality typing thing to him? Perhaps you two will have something to laugh about or at least an icebreaker when personality conflicts are occuring if you both understand...

4. Truth - Be honest! I know this was mentioned above but the first thing I do when INTP's start straying from the truth is tune them out and go on to better things - in this department it is truely better to say nothing at all than to speak a lie... Don't lose an INTJ's trust - you'll never get it back - ever!

5. As an INTJ, I like to solve problems - that is what my brain does best - so if I find fault in you it means: I am watching you and paying you attention, you are worth my presious brain time (lol), and I am interested in a future with you in it.

There is a catch-22 in every relationship where confidence is a factor - if you have confidence you are more likely to succeed than if you lack confidence. And that if you don't have confidence you are likely going to have less after the nest obsticle because you are more likely to fail without confidence...

I would make a list of all the reasons you have to be self-confident about yourself. Then ask yourself why is he still here if I really have to worry about factor A or Factor B?

I hope you do well in your relationship and I hope something on this forum helps you too!
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Ennegram: 5, 3, 1, 9
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HatchBack176
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Joined: 27 Apr 2007
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Location: Seattle, WA

PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2007 8:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://youtube.com/watch?v=BFlFIEEVek0 (Ricky Gervais interviews Garry Shandling)

Garry Shandling, Joe Rogan, Crispin Glover, Steve-O. Are some of the people I've taken note of for being amazingly honest people, even in front of an audience. I really recommend buying "Not Just The Best of The Larry Sanders Show" for the dvd extras of Shandling just having candid chats with people like Sharon Stone, Jerry Seinfeld, and Tom Petty.

"The conversation between Shandling and Doucett gets so personal - she talks about how she wanted to marry Shandling - that it almost feels like we shouldn't be watching, which is not to say you'll want to shut it off, because this is compelling stuff. Shandling is a very funny man, but he's also a very private man, and this DVD set gives you some incredible insight into his mind. It's very impressive that he left so much "…and the warts" material in this DVD set, which he obviously took great care in helping put together."


Something from my life that really sealed the "total honesty" (feelings/thoughts/history/everything) package for me. When I was 16, just starting 11th grade. My friend of 3 classroom years (he and I only talked in various classes we were put together in) wanted to hang out over the weekend. Go see a movie or whatever. We ended up stopping at a McDonald's first. Went the drive-thru way and I made a comment about if the cashier even registered as another human being in your head. Could it just as well be a robot? He laughed it off. After we're done eating and like 10 minutes of silence. He tells me he was molested as a child. #%!@$! MAYDAY MOTHERFUCKER %$!@!. Instead of feeling sorry for the guy, consoling him. I realized I had no coping mechanism for this in my introverted world. Another human being with a deep life! I've never thought such a thing. Intellectual level, sure, feelings-wise, no. All of a sudden I felt a total transparency of my mind and my mouth. I didn't calculate I just said what was on my mind. "OK, I'm getting a feeling that this was a deep-thing for you. I don't want an awkward silence. You're going to get my unfiltered thoughts. I haven't known anyone that has been abused before. I'm finding out real quick that this is nothing like television dramas. We are going to shape what impact this has on me and our friendship right now. I am trying to imagine what therapists say to get this level of intimacy with people they've basically just met. Have you told your parents? No, OK, this is an interesting effect. That the longer you've known somebody the less likely they're going to know about your inner world. Do you think I'm over-reacting? Hmm, it's no big deal, you just wanted to tell me. Well, I think, you're still holding back, like you're still outside of this moment we're sharing right here right now. I am entirely interested in what you have to say. Don't hide from me. This was an extremely painful moment in your life. You wish it was erased from your life, and I'm commanding you to put everything on the table. What does reality look like when you finally tell people 'I can't handle it. The world fucked me.'?"

It was a very wild intense kind of discussion. We worked to get his past behind him and to start becoming the man he wanted to be. He's one of my best friends nowadays and he's always seemed like a very good example of what aggressively pursuing your deep issues can do. This changed my whole approach to being social because I realized I FEEL completely different when I am being honest. I started thinking of honesty and fun as something you PROJECT at other people. It's not something you can micro-manage it's an entire APPROACH to life. It comes with it's own stories to tell. It comes with an intense interest in people. It comes with a NEED to ADD VALUE to people and their lives. It comes with a GREAT POWER that you HAVE to respect. You literally get told secrets people don't share with their best friends or things that would ruin the lives they've built up for themselves. If one person knew everything about you what control could they have over you? Anyways, the way I feel this relates to some of the issues brought up is that just saying things like "It's OK you can be honest with me" inspires no confidence in the other person. EVERYONE has moments where they wish they didn't have to put on their little masks. Knowing that everyone has these moments allows you to RELATE to them. What is something corny and lame about yourself? When was the last time you had been completely embarrassed? How do you talk, carry yourself, and show understanding that lets others see that nothing shocks you anymore? What does ABSOLUTE TRUST mean to you? How do you use your understanding of the social process, of HUMAN NATURE, to put others at ease. To grant permission to be themselves around you. Adopting the "frame" that smalltalk and other pleasantries are stupid and just not for you doesn't help in this respect. A better one is "Blunt truth is not the social norm. That's because other people are not as open or cool to honest people as I am. I am going to show through my actions, social risks, well-being, leadership, and hopefully friendships. That you can get better results in life by #1 Being honest with yourself and #2 Being honest with others." If you can't get other people to OPEN up to you. You are MISSING some piece of the puzzle. Don't be surprised at the "stupidity" of others, ask yourself what is so wrong with my model of people that I continually can't understand/sympathize with why they do what they do.
http://www.overcomingbias.com/2007/05/think_like_real.html
http://www.overcomingbias.com/2007/05/beware_the_unsu.html


http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing20.html
http://laboringattheinstitute.blogspot.com/2006/06/influence-by-robert-cialdini.html
If you haven't already read Robert Cialdini's Influence do yourself a favor and get it.
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KNL
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Joined: 06 Mar 2007
Posts: 1454
Location: Rochester, NY, USA

PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2007 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

May I just say Darvick that I see you as the Godfather of INTJs. Very Happy

If I were INTJ, I'd be hanging on every word you say. You're INTJ wisdom is unsurpassed. And I'm totally serious.
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"Oh, crap, she's got feelings."
"I'd rather be a smartass than a dumbass."
"What can I say, I'm intellectually promiscuous."
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nightengale
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Joined: 21 Mar 2007
Posts: 403
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2007 11:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

KNL wrote:
May I just say Darvick that I see you as the Godfather of INTJs. Very Happy

If I were INTJ, I'd be hanging on every word you say. You're INTJ wisdom is unsurpassed. And I'm totally serious.


AMEN.
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Darvick
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Joined: 11 Apr 2006
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Location: B.C. Canada

PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2007 12:36 am    Post subject: lol... Reply with quote

Errr-urr-eerr kiss the ring errr-urrerrr-errr....

Thanks for the compliments!

Wisdom is nothing if you don't share it...
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Ennegram: 5, 3, 1, 9
Functional Strengths: Ni, Te, Ne, Ti
Avg IQ: 141 (134 to 161)
"If knowledge is power, and its application your will, then wisdom is the sum of your power, and wisdom shared, is the alignment of others to your will..."
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nightengale
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Joined: 21 Mar 2007
Posts: 403
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2007 12:44 am    Post subject: Re: lol... Reply with quote

Darvick wrote:
Errr-urr-eerr kiss the ring errr-urrerrr-errr....

Thanks for the compliments!

Wisdom is nothing if you don't share it...


or apply it.
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BB2007
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Joined: 01 May 2007
Posts: 12

PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2007 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Set goals and accomplish them. Being tough wins a whole lot of points with me. A friend of mine fell while he was mountain biking and gashed his forehead. It required 20 stitches. When the doctor mentioned that lidocaine causes the area to swell and the the scar would be less pronounced without the numbing agent, my friend decided to get the stitches without lidocaine. Something like this impresses me a lot. He did not get the stitches without lidocaine to look tough; rather, he was willing to suffer a little in the short term for the best result down the road. I don't know if this is just me as I'm borderline S? I want someone who is an equal mix of smart (the last thing I want is a genius) and tough.

I get annoyed when people want a lot of reassurance. One of the reasons it bothers me is it strikes me as selfish. It takes effort on my part to reassure you but you are not mindful of that -- all that matters is that you feel better. Everyone has doubts but we learn to judge what is worth expressing and what is just our needing to feel better in the moment -- while not accomplishing anything. I'm not even sure where in your line of questioning a concern for him popped up. It seemed all about you and how to find a way to achieve your desire to have his affection.
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logan235711
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Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 9
Location: Oklahoma City

PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2007 9:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You ARE going to meet this problem, it just depends on how large it is. The largeness is going to depend on how big his J is and you P and has the potential of getting smaller in margin overtime if you are both able to find a balance of P and J. This is, that with his J he feels like he needs to keep the conversation on track because he likes to analyze one point more precisely and exactly first before adding in more things. You, on the otherhand, with you P like to brainstorm more, taking in possibilities of possibilities, doing slight analysis on them and continuing to brainstorm, then when you feel like you have a good thought/system you present it. Js can hyper-focus on one point and this lends to their inability to be as open to things before they brush them off as non-working or impractical.

You will likely see this as annoying as well, as he can't claim to be thinking big if he isn't considering all of the possibilities of the possibilies before passing them off. But in his eyes, he finds he would be bogged down by considering so many possibilities in all of their connections (he wouldn't ever get anywhere), thus the J feels a need to eliminate and simplify towards a working idea as soon as they can and do this by eliminating things which do not seem to fit at first glance.

Now, as mentioned, depending on people's J this can vary. So one J may be more willing to wait for more disaffirmations of an idea before excluding it, while another may be willing to brainstorm more loosely on possibilities for a longer period of time before deciding the cutoff point has been reached. This is DEFINITELY not to say that the J is not brainstorming, but they are using methods, as mentioned, to not get chronically bogged down by the vast amount of possibilities.

So with as P, depending on your level as well, you could want to stop at a quicker point than others Ps, or you may start including other items at a quicker rate when brainstorming towards the whole of the idea than other Ps might. And of course, there are many other factors that make up the P and the J in what they are doing respectively.
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just me
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Joined: 28 Mar 2006
Posts: 171

PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2007 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="KNL"]May I just say Darvick that I see you as the Godfather of INTJs. Very Happy

If I were INTJ, I'd be hanging on every word you say. You're INTJ wisdom is unsurpassed. And I'm totally serious.[/quote]

just me's attempt at humor.......is "Godfather" an imaginary word? Just kidding. I need coaching from HT. Good post. I'll reread it later.
How to make someone like you? Money, lots and lots of money.
See, I can do it!! Invite them on a cruise. Fix them their favorite meal.
Ice cream. Rub their feet.

It was always great when someone picked up on MY discomfort (from Metaphorical's post, but inverted) and did something to make it go away out of genuine concern with no other motive than caring. Some folk see discomfort in another as their own fault and do what they can to make the other person feel more comfortable. Some do it subconsciously. We all, no......most of us want to be accepted and liked, if not loved. It takes a lot more out of some of us than others.

Free beer.......tomorrow.
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nickasummers
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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2007 1:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

just me wrote:

How to make someone like you? Money, lots and lots of money.


no thats just how to make them pretend to like you.
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just me
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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2007 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="nickasummers"][quote="just me"]
How to make someone like you? Money, lots and lots of money.[/quote]

no thats just how to make them pretend to like you.[/quote]

Yes, as they actually like the money. Smile
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HT
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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2007 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow, INTJs don't like sex? Then I'm not interested.
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Internal_Asylum
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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2007 6:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HT wrote:
wow, INTJs don't like sex? Then I'm not interested.
=p
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essentialelement
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Joined: 08 May 2007
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PostPosted: Mon May 14, 2007 9:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow all these comments are so deep. I should have posted here a long time ago . Hatchback176 your post blew my mind away, I first I skipped it because it was long and then I went back and was just amazed. What a new way to look at things. Also Darvick your entire post was brilliant.
Anyway I ended things with him but now I have regrets because he told me how fantastic he thought I was and maybe I was just reading into things wrong. And BB200, you are right I was so concerned with him liking me because I was fascinated by him that I never got a chance to really get to know his innermost thoughts and feelings. So I suggested we be friends and he agreed and I really meant that because I do really want to know him and I should not have jumped into things so quickly. To answer your question, Joel L, he did always initiate meetings between the two of us which makes me hesitant about how hard to push a friendship because he's always working. I don't know why I think INTJ's are such complicated creatures, especially the men, I don't know how much they respect women or want to be bothered. But I will definitely work on communication and honesty. Thanks so much for all your comments and suggestions!!
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