similarminds.com

[seeker]

Awareness of Self

I am INTP, and I find myself to be very judgmental, from benign analysis to extreme judgements. I don’t find this to be a problem because I know that that is how I am and cannot be different, and this awareness lets me manage myself as far as this phenomenon is concerned.

Before I became as aware of myself as I am now, I used to try to change people by explaining [what I considered to be] their faults to them. At first I thought that they just weren’t getting it, but I came to realize that even if they were, they couldn’t change, because they are the way they are, just as I am the way I am. I should not want to change them for that reason. Any change has to come from within. I still have a tendency to ‘enhance’ people’s grammar, but I see that as using words for amusement value or the Zen in applying language. I bet you’re wondering if it’s ‘Zen in’ or ‘Zen of?’

I realized that the person who needed to change was me. Realizing this, I further realized that I didn’t really know too much about myself, I had been so busy examining other people. So I embarked upon a path of seeing myself, based on my INTP profile, as well as my perception of how others saw me, and examining my many faults so that I can restrain myself from getting into major trouble in the more serious areas of my life, such as health, jobs, finances, etc. I believe that I should manage my life or things would get out of hand. They have before, almost leading to ruin.

I find also that I am very observant, and have what might be considered mild paranoid tendencies, but I attribute this to my instincts sounding low level alerts. I always seem to be seeing ahead, if not necessarily thinking ahead. I am actually not thinking of what to do next, but just having some view of how things could result. I also seem to feel that I am controlling the outcome even if not the situation, where I will still win if I lose. This might be a survival instinct. I see this as normal for me, since this is the way I am and always have been and not a problem that needs correcting. A problem that does need correcting, though, is writing, listening to music and watching television at the same time, while taking time out to pay attention to a cat.

I think that I have highly developed instincts and that I put them to good use for basic self preservation. I also believe that the level at which my instincts and reflexes are currently operating is a result of my living in New York City, a very large and congested environment, because when I am in Barbados or in any pastoral setting, I adjust accordingly in a relatively short time.

Since I was young, my father would always say that I had vision, and my uncle would always say that I am very bright, but I never asked them what they meant or gave it any thought. Basically it just went in one ear and out the next, since I was probably distracted thinking about something else at the time. Now that I think about it, my mind used to wander a lot. Still does.

I can think something through quite clearly to a logical conclusion, but once I reach a point where I can see the end of the process I lose interest and either abandon it, change it so it doesn’t end yet, or put it down to come back to it later. Or not.

I feel that I can adapt and adjust to any environment if I need to, since I believe that that is what I have been doing naturally all my life. I only realized this when, over time, and at various times, people who admired me and came to know me have made such remarks in a complimentary fashion. Thinking about this made me further see more differences in people and more of who and what I am. My MBTI counselor had said that I had genius potential, but that has yet to manifest itself. I used to want to be a writer, and sometimes still do, but never really got started. Actually I do write, but I never finish anything. (I just realized that Professor Calamitus (Jimmy Neutron) must be INTP.) The most I’ve ever been labeled by some people is geek, egghead, ‘smart-boy’ (whatever that is), and brain. I always wondered if those saying so had ever used a dictionary, since I would never see myself in such terms. Genius neither, for that matter. I also wondered, if they saw themselves, how they saw themselves.

I have spent most of my life working with complex computer systems, since 1973, and my multitasking abilities became acute, and I was that way for many years. Then one day I got tired of it and moved out of the computing environment when it became unbearable. I now do my own computing, at my own pace, whenever and however I feel like. I cannot be dictated to by a machine; it is the other way around. My multitasking abilities are still with me, but now I think about other things that I didn’t used to think about before. I hope to make a living from it some day. 

I am a librarian by profession, and I spend a great deal of time searching for information on things I want to know about. I am on a quest for eternal self-education, having foresworn the institutional classroom.

I grew up an only child, and at this point in time I live alone and have no relatives around. I have a few good friends but no close friends nearby. My close friends are the people I grew up with. Other people just come and go; it has always been this way.

I have two beautiful young odd-eyed large white cats, both found on the street, each having one blue and one yellow eye on the same sides. They are male and a younger female, a year and a half apart in age, and not related. They are very intelligent [I think], and I talk to these sentient beings as if they were people. It appears they love each other. It’s all very therapeutic for me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m sane, even though I have no doubt that I am.

[Sight-Ascended]

quite an interesting read. i noticed you said youve forsworn the college education. why is that? i ask because, a) i love to learn and already self educate, possibly more than i get from a class, and b) im also in college and not doing well.
I feel like i need ot self discipline myself do do the things i dont enjoy in college, but i feel no motivation to do so. one one hand i see it as running from my problem if i left it behind, and on the other, i see too little benifit right now. it is worth noting however that im not in a very challenging college atm, but i hope to transfer to a much better place in hopes of gaining motivation to actually work at it by learning new things and enjoying the classes.
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Know yourself and know the world your in.

[seeker]

[Bill]

Seeker, I keep re-reading your post to figure out what you think can or cannot be changed!

I am a bright, judgemental INTP, with a bad grammar fixation. I am drawn in by challenging situations, which I abandon as soon as I think I have them figured out. My attention is easily divided, although I usually think of it as ADD, rather than multi-tasking. I, too, have been driven nearly to ruin by my own tendencies. (Oh yeah, I also have 4 cats.)

I have come to recognize, as you have, that each person can change only him/herself. Further, that if I had another person's completely unique combination of nature/nurture, I would most likely behave exactly as him or her (he or she? help me - I'm grammar fixating!) Further, the only product of my judging is my own misery.

Therefore, I have concluded that the only way for me to be truly happy is through unqualified acceptance of all other people. Knowing that I have a tendency to give up on something as soon as I have it figured out, I recognize that I need to incorporate this principle into daily practice.

It seems to be working out. (The meditation helps with my ADD, too!)

[seeker]

[Ryuko no Tsuki]

I can share your feelings as far as judgments go. I am a very judgmental person, but my judgments are not based on race, etc. From the moment I meet people, my first impression of them usually lasts, and it takes me a long time to forgive someone for anything they've done to me or those close to me. I'm a very big person on equality, and acceptance of others, and the thoughts deep inside me make me hate myself for feeling them, because they go against my morals.

I am insanely introverted. I rarely tell people how I'm feeling, and I dislike social communication. Hell, I'm almost afraid of calling a pizza place to order a pizza. I'm not afraid of the person there, but I'm just shy. It's funny, because in a crowd I usually give off an impression that I have a lot of self-confidence and often people look towards me to be a leader, and thus, no one knows what I'm thinking or feeling, and nor do they pick up very obvious (I think) clues that I give off. This leads me to believe they're ignorant, when I realize in the end, that they're not... They're just not watching for that sort of thing.

The friends I do make, I protect dearly. I'm perfectly willing to come out of my shell to help those that I've committed my protection to. I suppose my biggest passion in life is talking to someone deeply, about this sort of thing, and not just 'about the weather.' It's interesting when you can see others' take on the world, why they think we exist, etc.

As far as change goes... I have a deep seeded fear of change, because I associate it with bad. (My past...) I find it very hard to make change, but I've also come to the realization the need for it, and that's probably the best realization I've made. I've recently forgiven year-long grudges, and felt so much better after that. (I'm much younger than you, only 17... haven't even started college yet.) I've attempted to change people, but I've also recently realized that asking that of a person isn't fair. It's who they are, and I'm who I am. Another great fear of mine is regret. I can't stand thinking about something I know I should have done or shouldn't have done. For instance, in 2nd grade (yes this was a long time ago) I faught with my best friend, and then she moved to Florida. I never heard from her again, and I still think about it almost daily. Another time, when I was a bit older, I found a message-in-a-bottle on the beach, opened it, found an address and wanted to write the person back. But... I lost the letter, and now whenever I think about it I get very sad, because if I was the person who sent that letter, I would want to know someone got it. It would inspire me. But, that person who wrote it will never know that it reached across the ocean... (They were from Connecticut and I from Long Island, NY.) So, now that I'm older, I try to do anything I feel compelled to do, so that I won't regret it later. In a sense, I've come 'out of my shell' more to do this, being a more daring person.

I am also very observant, almost too observant. I do not have OCD, but I have many tendencies that would lead someone to think so. The volume on the TV/Stereo for me cannot be ending in any digit except 0, 2, 5 or 7. If I see something crooked on the wall, I am compelled to fix it. If something is out of place, it must be fixed, because it bothers me. The only reason I 'must' do this is because if I don't, I won't stop thinking about it. Also, I find myself making symbolic connections with events much more than other people. If it's a bad day, and it's raining, I'll see some kind of signifigance in it while others just think, "Wow, it's raining." That wasn't a good example, but I can't think of a better one at the moment. =/

As far as intelligence goes... I don't think I am 'very' intelligent, but I am more intelligent than a lot of people, I hope. The only problem is, I lack motivation. Either I am very motivated to do something, or I'm not. My report cards were funny... Either I'd get a very high grade, or a very low grade. Not because I was stupid, or didn't understand the material... What usually knocked me down was my inability to bring myself to do stuff such as homework or projects, if I wasn't 'feeling' it. However, if I'm very into something, which is usually art or music, I'm into it full force and just can't get enough of it. When I was younger, my mother used to tell me about the many 'obsession' phases I'd go through.

What I like? I've tried a lot of things. I went through many wants as far as a career goes while growing up. First, I wanted to be a doctor, then I wanted to be an ornothologist. (Someone who studies with birds.) Then, I wanted to be an optimologyst, and then a psychologist. Then, I wanted to work with computer science, and then I realized how much I loved the art side of a computer, and wanted to work with game-design. But, now I've come to the realization that I love music, and now I want to major in Music Education.

You are definately sane, and I love to read peoples' insight to things, because it interests me. Other people who aren't interested in that type of thing would probably shy away from it, but the ones that are will tell you that you are a very sane person, and a deep thinker.

[seeker]

[Ryuko no Tsuki]

Wow, thank you for all your insight. I got a good laugh out of when you mentioned contrasts... night and day, etc... and mentioned 1 and 0. You're such a computer programmer. =P

In response...

[seeker]

The first time I failed a course in college I was traumatized for months. I could not comprehend how I could not have at least got a D. Yet at the same time it was a self-fulfilling prophecy; it was accounting and I always had an irrational fear of accounting with all those rules.

I was expressing this to a friend over a couple of pitchers, and he, being a doctoral student in psychology, cured me right away. He said that I would better learn from it how to handle future failures, and that it was probably good that it happened at that time in my life and was not the end of the world. He was right.

I have to add that in high school I failed latin all five or six years (British system), but then so did 90% of the class. I should also add that while I failed the tests, I learned a lot of Roman and world history, as well as gained an understanding of the political machinations, power, and intentions of the Roman empire, then and now.

[Ryuko no Tsuki]

I find it odd how I can learn and understand more about a class than the average person, yet get worse grades than most people. I blame most of my bad grades on the fact I simply can't stay awake in the class. x.x; (I have a lot of trouble sleeping; Just can't stop thinking. I get on average 3-4 hours of sleep at night.)

It's better I'm messing up things now and learning how to fix them rather than later on in my life, just like your friend told you with accounting. The only class I'm donig bad in is German. >.>; I also take Italian... They don't teach Latin here. I do well in Italian but bad in German. It's very odd... May be it's because I learned Italian first? *shrugs*

[Austy]

First thing, I gotta mention that people can change and people can change you. We're creatures of our habitat, and society alters us.

And I can't begin to understand why someone would care about their grades in school. I consider myself to be an intellectual, and I generally think I am the smartest fella in the room. Though in truth I have low confidence, I put on an act of being cocky and optimistic. I see no point in attending a school since I love to teach myself and hate the classroom.

Instead of working for better grades, I spent my school hours playing mind games with the teacher. I enjoyed the battle of wits over the math problems on the paper before me, and if I did my homework I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the debate that would occur the following morning.
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